Losing So Many People, So Close Together..

A long time ago, I lost my Grandmother, and it ripped my heart out for the first time because she was the first person that I had ever lost. Over the years, God has taken a few more people from myself and my loving family. It is a hard thing to understand and honestly, I don't think that I will ever understand. Death has been heavy around my family, myself, and even my children. I thank God that I have two amazing fathers for my two daughters.

 April 9th, 2010 I lost my best friend and at the time, soon to be my mother in law. Brenda Lee Neibel. She was Kylee's grandma and had only seen her a few times but was their throughout my whole delivery and everything. Even helped Neil and I pick out songs for our wedding and was planning on getting her sister, my best friend, Debbie to help with a small family wedding. We argued here and there and I know that it was because she thought I was taking her baby boy away, but I still loved her, even when she was drunk and cussing myself and Neil out. When she was sober, she was the best woman in the world. It tore Neil and I apart because I didn't know how to handle it, and Neil didn't either. He says now that, everything in this town makes him think of her and it did then too. He said he couldn't look at Kylee without seeing her. I miss that woman more than words can describe, but again, she was an amazing woman and so many people loved her and carry on her memory. 

Then over the summer of 2013 we lost my cousin Brian Arrington. I never expected him to go. He could play a mean guitar and I grew up listening to him, my dad, and Leroy (Brian's dad) play guitar and sing all night long and that's what inspired me to write songs and learn the guitar. But, after I lost the one man that I thought would teach me, I didn't think about it anymore. I couldn't even sing anymore. That man was a good man and you won't ever find another one like him, except his son, Nathan Arrington. 

Then, October 29th, 2014, we lost my step mother. She helped my mom and dad raise me and made a huge impact in my life. Without her, I don't know who I would've turned out to be. I miss our late night phone calls and calls that were just because she missed us. My little girls love their Granny Nita and miss her dearly. I held the hurt in, I just kept thinking to myself that she might still be down that old dirt driveway, at the end, where her trailer sat with her table and chairs outside, so that she could smoke her cigarettes and not bother my baby brother, whom has asthma really bad and a terrible immune system deficiency. She was always looking out for her children's best interests and she told me many times that she loved me as her own and would never forget about me. I had just seen her a couple days before and she seemed so happy but she was still missing my dad, even though they were divorced a couple years back. My big sister Kimberly, Anita's oldest daughter, takes care of my little brother Joseph. He is only 16. I thought that I could just pretend that she was home forever and just sit and cry.. Well before Anita passed, my dads present girlfriend Tammy started gaining a lot of weight. Before I go any further, you have to know Tammy, a little..

She was 35 years old. Kept a half pint of cheap hot Bartons Vodka in her front pocket at all times, and she drank a "swig" as she called it, every other minute or so, and it had been like that long before any of us met her. She told me one day, that she had been drinking vodka since she was 15 years old like that. 

When Neil and I lived there with my dad and Tammy, when we were pregnant, I used to tell Neil all the time, that I could hear her coughing downstairs and if she didn't slow down drinking that something bad was going to happen to her body. Anita (before she passed) and I were talking with my husband about how much weight Tammy had gained and everyone thought that she was pregnant. So, finally I worked up the courage to ask her and she told me that she couldn't have kids and "aunt flow" didn't come to visit her anymore. 

Well months passed by and the doctors found that she wouldn't be with us much longer. Her kidneys were shot, her liver wasn't filtering anything and she was going to keep swelling so they had to start putting this tube in her at the hospital and get the fluid drained as often as possible and the whole time, my dad didn't know what to do. He wanted to help her so bad and he couldn't. He never said that, but I could see it in his eyes. He loved that woman and he loved Anita. They were both his best friends. We all thought that Tammy would have went before Anita because nobody suspected a thing. I had just seen her before she passed and she promised me that if anything happened to Tammy, she would be there to take care of my dad when he fell apart, but Anita, like I said, passed the night after that, running off the wrong side of the road, and hitting a tree, head on. I will never forget that night, because I went absolutely insane with tears and screams until I locked it in. I just kept thinking she was still right behind my dads in her trailer. 

Then when Tammy passed and I had to go take care of my dad, and stay with him a few weeks, visitors came from all over, but one imparticular, Anita and my dads old church friend, Philip, and he had no idea about Anita. I still hadn't even cried bad over Tammy yet until I had to tell him that Anita, was gone too.. Then I just broke down and stayed in the attic until my husband arrived and asked me what was wrong. Sobbing... I told him that it didn't hit me that they are gone. All of them. Almost all of the people that mean so much are gone. Even though I know that I will see them again one day, when my day comes, but that just doesn't ease the pain in any way, whatsoever. I just thank God that Garrett was there with me to support my dad and myself in our time of need and that Neil was there for Kylee during Tammy's services. The girls are so lucky to have them. 

When I had to leave my dads to come back home, I seen tears in his eyes.. so I have made a vow to no longer put the ones I love off because of my own personal needs or wants. My life will never be the same without these people, but I am so thankful that I still have my family and friends now, that can remind me of them and keep me sane. Never put your family off because God can take them away from you in one, split second. God's building his army. Remember that. I hope that this helps someone that is going through the same thing, or maybe you can help me...

Grandmother (Annie-Lou "Boots" Towery), Brenda Lee Neibel, Brian Lee Arrington,  

Anita Kay Towery & Tammy, 

sitting on the front porch with my dad, the girls and I, a few months before she passed.

& I will carry you all in my heart until the end of time. 'Til we meet again...