Losing So Many People, So Close Together..

A long time ago, I lost my Grandmother, and it ripped my heart out for the first time because she was the first person that I had ever lost. Over the years, God has taken a few more people from myself and my loving family. It is a hard thing to understand and honestly, I don't think that I will ever understand. Death has been heavy around my family, myself, and even my children. I thank God that I have two amazing fathers for my two daughters.

 April 9th, 2010 I lost my best friend and at the time, soon to be my mother in law. Brenda Lee Neibel. She was Kylee's grandma and had only seen her a few times but was their throughout my whole delivery and everything. Even helped Neil and I pick out songs for our wedding and was planning on getting her sister, my best friend, Debbie to help with a small family wedding. We argued here and there and I know that it was because she thought I was taking her baby boy away, but I still loved her, even when she was drunk and cussing myself and Neil out. When she was sober, she was the best woman in the world. It tore Neil and I apart because I didn't know how to handle it, and Neil didn't either. He says now that, everything in this town makes him think of her and it did then too. He said he couldn't look at Kylee without seeing her. I miss that woman more than words can describe, but again, she was an amazing woman and so many people loved her and carry on her memory. 

Then over the summer of 2013 we lost my cousin Brian Arrington. I never expected him to go. He could play a mean guitar and I grew up listening to him, my dad, and Leroy (Brian's dad) play guitar and sing all night long and that's what inspired me to write songs and learn the guitar. But, after I lost the one man that I thought would teach me, I didn't think about it anymore. I couldn't even sing anymore. That man was a good man and you won't ever find another one like him, except his son, Nathan Arrington. 

Then, October 29th, 2014, we lost my step mother. She helped my mom and dad raise me and made a huge impact in my life. Without her, I don't know who I would've turned out to be. I miss our late night phone calls and calls that were just because she missed us. My little girls love their Granny Nita and miss her dearly. I held the hurt in, I just kept thinking to myself that she might still be down that old dirt driveway, at the end, where her trailer sat with her table and chairs outside, so that she could smoke her cigarettes and not bother my baby brother, whom has asthma really bad and a terrible immune system deficiency. She was always looking out for her children's best interests and she told me many times that she loved me as her own and would never forget about me. I had just seen her a couple days before and she seemed so happy but she was still missing my dad, even though they were divorced a couple years back. My big sister Kimberly, Anita's oldest daughter, takes care of my little brother Joseph. He is only 16. I thought that I could just pretend that she was home forever and just sit and cry.. Well before Anita passed, my dads present girlfriend Tammy started gaining a lot of weight. Before I go any further, you have to know Tammy, a little..

She was 35 years old. Kept a half pint of cheap hot Bartons Vodka in her front pocket at all times, and she drank a "swig" as she called it, every other minute or so, and it had been like that long before any of us met her. She told me one day, that she had been drinking vodka since she was 15 years old like that. 

When Neil and I lived there with my dad and Tammy, when we were pregnant, I used to tell Neil all the time, that I could hear her coughing downstairs and if she didn't slow down drinking that something bad was going to happen to her body. Anita (before she passed) and I were talking with my husband about how much weight Tammy had gained and everyone thought that she was pregnant. So, finally I worked up the courage to ask her and she told me that she couldn't have kids and "aunt flow" didn't come to visit her anymore. 

Well months passed by and the doctors found that she wouldn't be with us much longer. Her kidneys were shot, her liver wasn't filtering anything and she was going to keep swelling so they had to start putting this tube in her at the hospital and get the fluid drained as often as possible and the whole time, my dad didn't know what to do. He wanted to help her so bad and he couldn't. He never said that, but I could see it in his eyes. He loved that woman and he loved Anita. They were both his best friends. We all thought that Tammy would have went before Anita because nobody suspected a thing. I had just seen her before she passed and she promised me that if anything happened to Tammy, she would be there to take care of my dad when he fell apart, but Anita, like I said, passed the night after that, running off the wrong side of the road, and hitting a tree, head on. I will never forget that night, because I went absolutely insane with tears and screams until I locked it in. I just kept thinking she was still right behind my dads in her trailer. 

Then when Tammy passed and I had to go take care of my dad, and stay with him a few weeks, visitors came from all over, but one imparticular, Anita and my dads old church friend, Philip, and he had no idea about Anita. I still hadn't even cried bad over Tammy yet until I had to tell him that Anita, was gone too.. Then I just broke down and stayed in the attic until my husband arrived and asked me what was wrong. Sobbing... I told him that it didn't hit me that they are gone. All of them. Almost all of the people that mean so much are gone. Even though I know that I will see them again one day, when my day comes, but that just doesn't ease the pain in any way, whatsoever. I just thank God that Garrett was there with me to support my dad and myself in our time of need and that Neil was there for Kylee during Tammy's services. The girls are so lucky to have them. 

When I had to leave my dads to come back home, I seen tears in his eyes.. so I have made a vow to no longer put the ones I love off because of my own personal needs or wants. My life will never be the same without these people, but I am so thankful that I still have my family and friends now, that can remind me of them and keep me sane. Never put your family off because God can take them away from you in one, split second. God's building his army. Remember that. I hope that this helps someone that is going through the same thing, or maybe you can help me...

Grandmother (Annie-Lou "Boots" Towery), Brenda Lee Neibel, Brian Lee Arrington,  

Anita Kay Towery & Tammy, 

sitting on the front porch with my dad, the girls and I, a few months before she passed.

& I will carry you all in my heart until the end of time. 'Til we meet again...

Anita Shropshire-Towery...

We all have our good days and bad, thinking about not being able to see your beautiful face. We find all these post you'd left, letters you had written, pictures and old gifts. Those are the moments that we know, your watching over us because a part of you, will always live in our hearts. I will never forget the things that you taught me and the things that I will soon pass on to my two little girls. They miss you like crazy. You haven't been gone that long at all but I still feel like you are here all the time. I was talking to Kimberly and she was telling me about how she still wants to pick up the phone and call you all the time and then she realizes the bitter truth, she isn't here to call anymore. I feel the same way. In a different way, on the other hand, I feel that God gave me Anita when my dad was drinking, so that I she could watch over me and keep me safe. My mom says that she would've never let me stay every weekend with dad but she knew that you were going to take care of me. I miss you telling me that I needed to wear my hair in a ponytail all the time and then as I got older you used to tell me to wear my hair down. You'd tell me that you would beg me as a kid to get it out of my eyes, and she couldn't keep a hair bow in my hair for nothin', but now I won't ever take it down. You used to just look at me and smile and rub my hand and tell me how beautiful I was. You'd tell me that you didn't care what anyone thought, that I was your daughter, blood or not. Even after you and dad got that divorce, you were always there with open arms and a place to stay if dad got to drunk while it was just me and him living together. You taught me what cradle cap was on my oldest daughter. You showed me so many things that I pass on and use on a daily bases. God gave me you for only a short period, but you gave me a lifetime of knowledge and for that, I thank you. I miss you more than I could type. I'm also grateful that Kimberly and Scottie are still talking to me and keep me in their lives and Kimberly still lets my dad and I see my little brother, Joseph. I know that you would be happy to hear that we are all getting along good now and you have nothing to worry about. Kimberly is taking very swell care of Joseph, your baby. He's 16 now. I wish that you could have been here to see that. Scottie helped Kimberly get him a car and Gary and Kimberly taught him to drive and pass his driving test. I miss when we were all living in the same house, eating those home-cooked meals that you always cooked. I know she knows that we are all down here thinking about her and missing her. Lord, tell her that we will see her again soon, when our time here, is up. To the moon and back mama... to the moon and back.

Anita Kay Shropshire-Towery
Mother, Granny, Aunt, Niece, Sister & daughter.
Fly high with Nanny Shropshire, Granny Nita...
xoxo

Sneak Peak of My Life Pt.5

Well, we started loosing sleep at first. The normal new parent deal. Neil got up almost every morning at 5 to open at Hardee's or either we slept late & he worked close. Kylee was 3 months, when we got the phone call. A friend on the other line was apologizing & I didn't understand why. Then she asked me, "You didn't know, did you?". "No, no I don't know anything, what's going on". She told me, & we were not at all prepared for the answer. All I knew was I had to call Neil & tell him. That's the worst thing I've ever had to do. Telling Neil to get off work, his mom was gone. Around the same time, Neils dad got out of jail & was coming around and eventually told Neil that if he wasn't happy, to go stay in Greenville with his Aunt. Well, me not wanting to see my family broken, follows him, but it wasn't long before I saw him walking down the road holding a blonde, teenagers hand. I was n a rage. I wanted to go home and show him what he lost, and i didn't care what happened as long as I could have him again. But, that came to an end when he moved to Georgia with his dad. & finally when Kylee was 10 months old, I met Garrett. My husband now, & other half. I can't say I don't wonder how things would be if Neil would've never went to Georgia or Greenville, if Brenda was still here, & if we could get along in the same room for at least 5 minutes. We grew up together, but we weren't meant to be together forever. At one time, yes, I thought he'd step up but I pushed him away. Pushed him to his breaking point too. I thank god everyday that he sent me Garrett. Someone that can handle me and all my glory. Bad hair day and pajamas. No makeup and all. We completed our family with another baby girl, and he loves them both equally and wouldn't have it any other way. Neil and Kylee can't see each other as much as they'd like but he says that he is going to keep coming around. He came to her 4th birthday party and then again after he got picked up for child support. Kylee calls him whenever she can and they talk and he's supposed to be coming back for her birthday party because on January 12th, our little baby that once fit in our hands, will be 5 years old!

Sneak Peak of My Life Pt.4

         As the months flew by, I was an emotional wreck but at the time, Neil was working at Hardees and taking care of us. We both were working hard to get ready for our baby girl. My due date was rushing up quick and we were over joyed. His mother Brenda and my mother Kim were there through everything and we lived with my dad. One night at about 11, my stomach started knotting up. I thought I had to use the bathroom... that didn't work, so I tried the bath. And let me warn you, what I am telling you is about to be gross. I had already called my nurse on call and told her that I had been bleeding and it was 2 days before my due date. Well, she thought that it was because my doctor checked my cervix that day. Well at 3 AM, when I get out of the tub and go to pull my panties up, blood gushes out all in them. So frantically I go and wake snoring Neil out of sleep and told him that I thought I was in labor and it was hurting so bad. He jumped up and he grabbed all the bags and we jumped in the car, Well on the way to the hospital with me in labor, Neil takes a small detour and gets his mom, Brenda. I was screaming and beating the car, begging for lights to turn green, when we finally got there and the doors to the hospital were locked. By then, I thought I was about to die. Neil ran all over the hospital until he found a cop to get me a wheelchair and they wheeled me to labor and delivery. First they checked my cervix and the woman said, "she's at an 8, she's ready" and all I could ask was, "well your not sending me home are you?", "NO, your in full blown labor honey". Through it all Neil, my mom, and Brenda were there. I got my epidural and at 7:49 AM Kylee Danielle Neibel was born, 6 lbs 4 ou. The most beautiful baby I had ever seen. I couldn't help it, when the doctor threw her up on my chest and we locked eyes, I looked into my moms, and I seen so many emotions running though the both of us and I felt the love from Brenda to Neil. Her baby boy had just had a baby girl. My mom and I both just burst into tears. I could feel the love from everywhere. For the next few days we had people in and out wanting to see our little baby. We got cleared to go home but when we got out of the hospital, everything started to change..

Kylee Danielle Neibel

Daughter of Julia Towery & Neil Neibel Jr.

Sneak Peak of My Life Pt.3

           Christina sat down and told me that I had to tell my daddy, no matter how scared I was, and that I was his only baby girl out of 5 other boys and that even if he did get upset, he would still always love me and support me. We sat and talked for a few minutes, me putting it off as long as possible. We went on and on talking about how crazy it was that we were both pregnant at the same time & so was Jessica. Finally I gained the courage and Christina took me right down the road, to my dads front door. I just remember my palms sweating as we walked up the cement walkway. As we approached the red front door, I grabbed Christina's hand hard and attempted to flee, but I gained the courage and opened the screen door and twisted the gold door knob. I opened it up and there my dad sat. Just the same as always in his recliner, smoking a cigarette. I walked over and sat on the arm of the love seat directly in front of him when I told him that I had to tell him something. "What is it", he replied, "Are you in some kind of trouble?". I just knew he thought it was another speeding ticket or driving without a licence. As I mentioned before, I was a wild child and my daddy bought me that car knowing that I didn't have a licence. I only had a permit. (Actually he took me to do my driving test a SEVEN times all together). I replied, "No dad, I've been driving fine, I just have to go take the test to get my licence". He said, "Well, what is it?", sounding and looking concerned. "I'm Pregnant", I told him, looking down at my feet. He went into shock. He said, "PREGNANT!", "What in the hell Juli, what are you gonna do with a baby, you can't even take care of yourself!". I felt sweat start to poor down my face, my arms, my chest, my back. I just jumped up and ran out as fast as I could. Christina, who was on the phone, quickly hung up with whoever she was talking to, to grab me and hug me as tight as she could. I told her what he said and she quickly went inside and I just sat in my dads driveway. A few minutes later, my dad walked out, looking worried, but still walked to me and hugged me and told me that he wasn't mad and that everything was going to be okay. We just hugged and I just cried because I felt that I had disappointed both my parents. Christina got back in the car and she took me back to get my Honda, & i asked her what did she say to my dad to make him tell me it was okay..? She told me that she went in and said, "She is pregnant Kenny, you need to go outside and give her a big hug and tell her everything will be okay". She said that he said, "Well, everything ain't gonna be okay". She continued to tell him, "She doesn't need to hear that, she is going through a lot right now and she needs her daddy, Kenny, she's been with the same boy for 2 or 3 years, it's not like she's hoeing around". She said he just agreed and got up to come get me.  Meanwhile, I was on the phone with Anita, my step-mother. My dad and her were divorced already but she had been there for me since I was 10 months old. She never gave up on me and always gave me encouraging words. She was my 2nd mother. The next day I went back to my moms and she was okay, to my surprise. She told me that she wasn't mad at me and that we would all get through this and we would have a beautiful baby. Neil was so supportive (for the time being), but as we get further along in the story, you might change your opinion about him. My mom set up all my appointments for the Health Department and for the OBGYN. Before I knew it, the months were flying by and my stomach was growing larger everyday. Neil and I started fighting more and more. I was an emotional wreck and he did not like the idea of growing up. His mom always had a drinking problem and didn't have any nice things to say about me while she was drinking but when she was sober, we were best friends. When I hit 5 months, Neil called and seemed intoxicated on something, asking me to come over. So, I get in the car with Jessica and we go to his house. I get there and he is out of his mind, messed up on something. We wound up leaving and a few minutes after Jessica and I got back to Christina's, my phone started blowing up with messages and phone calls from Neil saying that I had stole something of his and was calling me and Jessica horrible names and saying hurtful mean things, so I just told him that I would come get all of my things and leave him. So, Jessica and myself were off again. I got there and he met me at the door screaming and yelling at me. I quickly walked past him, into the house and gathered all my things as quickly as I could. Taking things to my trunk. The entire time Neil just cussed me out the entire time. As I walked out the front door with the last bit of my stuff, including a baby monitor. He was so close to the back of my neck, screaming at me as I walked out the front door. He slung the screen door back open behind me and kept on and on. Finally I had, had enough. I just got hot all over and everything went black. I shoved him as hard as I could back into the doorway and slammed the screen door on him and he came back up and all I remember was fear. "What have I got myself and my baby into?" When he finally got up Jessica was behind me, and thank God for that, because after that, he shoved me as hard as he could and I went falling back, headed for the porch steps. I just knew I was going to fall and that it was going to hurt my baby. Luckily, Jessica caught me and I got my balance. She then, lifted my baby monitor into the air to hit him with it. I grabbed her arm, mid-swing, and told her not to break my baby's stuff on him. I ran to the car and he ran after me. I got in and started the car as fast as i could, but I wasn't fast enough to get the door locked. Neil ran to the door apologizing and saying that he was wrong. I just told him that I had to get away from him, I had serious thinking to do, for my child's and myself, and then with him standing at my open car door I sped off. The rest of the night I stayed with Christina, sulking. Then she told me, don't be mad at him because he was messed up, that wasn't him. He'll be sober and sorry tomorrow. I couldn't believe that he risked hurting our baby. Neither could Jessica and she was letting everyone know it. He called me all that night. I had at least 20 texts and 15 voice mails on my phone, but I ignored him all that night. The next day was our Appointment at the OBGYN and I called him at his friend Austins house and they told me that he was gone. So I went alone. When they put that gel on my stomach, I jumped from the coldness. Then there were the results that I had been waiting on for 5 whole months and it was finally on a screen, moving around everywhere in my stomach. Reality hit, I had a human being that we created growing inside me. Then the nurse found what I was waiting for. "Ma'am, your having a girl". A girl? I could not believe my eyes or ears. We had thought it would be a boy, "Neil Stephen Neibel 3"... But I got my baby and I could not wait to find the perfect name for a perfect little angel. Afterwords, I called Neil and told him and he said that he had been up and ready to go but I never came and got him. When I told him the news, I could hear him telling his mom, step-dad and brother, Brian, "We're having a girl! It's a GIRL", with such excitement in his voice. He insisted that we get together and try to talk through all of our differences and even his mom, bribed me to come. At the, time, I thought Neil and I would last forever. But like i said, I was a child, and I had no idea of what was lying ahead in this journey. I just knew that I wanted the perfect family that I never had..

Sneak Peak Of My Life. pt.2

             I suddenly felt sick to my stomach and had to make an excuse to get out of working the rest of the day. As I drove home, I held my stomach and wondered if their could, somehow, be a way that I was pregnant. Would it be a boy? Would it be a girl? What would I name it? Finally I pulled up at my boyfriend, of 2 years, house. I slowly got out of my little Honda and walked to the door. He greeted me as he usually did, asking me why I had left work so early, what happened? I finally gained the courage to tell him that I had been asked about being pregnant. His face went blank. We didn't know what to do. We were still kids ourselves. Everyday, I was with Neil (my at the time) boyfriend, and my best friend, Jessica. Jessica was dating my cousin Brandon and had just found out that she was also pregnant. Plus, I had a total of 3 best friends, that were my age, and also pregnant. All of those nights spent telling Neil that I wanted a baby like everyone else, had finally worked, and I was scared. Now I realize how dumb that sounds, but my baby was no accident. I saw everyone else with kids, and i thought that it would be easy. "Hey, if they done it, I KNOW WE CAN", I thought to myself. Well, we decided it was time to find out if it was true or false. Jessica had very "sticky fingers", and went into the local Dollar Store and stole me 2 pregnancy tests. I sat there, stared at the test for a few minutes when she dropped the first one down on the bed in  Neil's room. I quickly got a cup and urinated in it. I put the test on the counter and waited, it seemed like hours for this 2 minute test. The results were clear on the first test but Neil insisted that we take the second, just to be sure. The results were no different. I WAS PREGNANT! I didn't know how I was going to tell my mother and father that I, a child myself, was having a baby. When I walked into my house at my moms, she was sitting on the computer with her back turned away from the kitchen table. I told her that I had something important to tell her. She looked back at me and said, "Well, what is it Juli?" It took about 5 minutes for me to get up the courage to tell her. By that time, she was already back to her game facing away from me. So, I just said, "mom, I'm pregnant"..... She didn't say a word. She sat there another 3 minutes (seemed like hours), then she just got up crying and walked to her room. Me, being emotional already, took that as she was not happy with it. So, I quickly got up and got back in my car, and went to my cousins, Christina's house. I walked in with my pregnant friend Jessica and sat down on Christina's couch. At the exact same moment, we both said the same thing, "I gotta tell you something" and I told her to go first. Come to find out, she is pregnant too. When I tell her we will be carrying together she is overjoyed! She was excited that we would have 2 babies a month apart. She asked me if I had told my dad yet, and I just looked down. She hugged me tight and explained to me how we were going to tell him.     

Sneak Peak Of My Life.

My Husband of 4 years, Garrett Williams 11/29/14

             This is a blog that I am starting to maybe help me with my depression and anxiety. I'm gonna start by telling you my story from the beginning until I catch you up on everything. If you are like me then you should like sinking your eyes in someone else's reality. My name is Julia Williams, maiden name is Towery, from my father, Kenny Towery. My mother, Kim Lee, got my first name from my great-great grandmother Julia Elizabeth Leatherwood. Enough about that. I was with a man for about 3 years in high school when I dropped out of school to work. My dad bought me a '94 Honda Civic DX. I loved that car. It lasted up until July 4th 2013, when a woman ran a red light and rammed into us with the kids in the car. Lets just leave that at, they bought me a 2003 van a few months after the accident. My mom and dad had been split since I was 3 months old and with them being separated I basically got away with everything. I had my step mom though. Anita Kay Shropshire-Towery. My mom and Anita were best friends and they tried to straighten me out, but with being daddy's little girl, I won. Well 15 rolls around and I start getting serious with a boy. So did my best friend and almost sister. Then at 16, My dad bought me a car, and like I said earlier in the blog, I dropped out of school and i got a job at KFC! I loved the job, and I loved the people. I loved the food and I loved my boss, but then something strange happened while taking a woman's order one day. I greeted her and she started to talk to me but as her order continued, I saw spots everywhere and her lips started moving slower and my ears started to get hot. Suddenly everything went black and got quiet for, I couldn't tell you how long. I woke up a few minutes later in the ladies room floor with my boss and all my co-workers standing around me. They said that I had passed out and that I needed to eat. This was the first time I had ever passed out. My boss fixed me a big plate of mashed potatoes and gravy with GREEN BEANS on them, I'm not a fan of green beans, never have been, but she was my boss, so I ate it. As I was forcing myself to eat greens, my boss lady looks at me and asks the scariest question, that I had ever heard... "Are you pregnant". "NOO NOO NOOOO", I replied. Quietly I thought, "Their is NO way... is there..?!